I’m very seldom happy or satisfied with where I’m at in
life. It seems like no matter what I do
I feel I could have done better, given more, gone an extra step or two… there
are times when I allow myself to feel grateful for all I have, I certainly am
grateful for many, many things… but my days are often caught up pushing,
striving and working to achieve MORE. I
am also EXTREMELY critical of myself as well.
Anything perceived as a failure, or not up to the standards I’ve set for
myself can be emotionally devastating to me.
I have no idea where this personality trait comes from,
maybe one or both parents, I’m not really sure.
I do know it has benefits and drawbacks for me, as is often the case
with many things in life. As a young musician,
I wanted to play everything perfectly and effortlessly, so it drove me to
practice 2+ hours/day for years until I became a good enough player to be
satisfied with my abilities. I take that
same drive into anything I do – I want to not just learn something, I want to
be one of the BEST at anything I do… which, of course, is not always possible…
especially at first. It’s this drive
that has helped me become a fairly accomplished musician and salesperson, although
the same part that drives me also looks back at what I’ve done and usually
thinks “I could have done better”…
The drawbacks of this “I should be instantaneously great at
everything I do” attitude include having to go through the emotions of doing
things at first that aren’t so perfect – whether it was playing that first
show, making that first sales call, writing the first chapter, giving the first
speech… and dealing with the outpouring of negative emotions that follow. The interior dialogue that says “That was
awful, what were you thinking? You can’t
do this!”… It can kill things before you even get started.
I gave a speech in 2012 that didn’t go very well at
all. Now, I also gave many talks in 2012
that were very good. The one that sticks
with me is the “failure”. I gave no
talks after that, even thinking about it now fills me with negative
emotions. When prepared, I can do a
pretty good presentation. I think I went
into that particular speech just thinking my natural ability would carry me –
sometimes it will. That day it didn’t. I stopped really looking to give talks after
that. It also has affected my writing… I
don’t have much confidence in my writing.
Because of that I am very critical of anything I post.
I’m writing a book called FEED YOUR ANGEL not because I
believe I have it all figured out – but because I DON ’T. I need to remind myself every day that my
thoughts will create my reality, to focus on what’s going right, to look at the
bright side…
There is almost always a battle raging within me. As I write this I’m thinking “Very few people
will ever read this, nobody cares what you think, you’re not a very good
writer, this is a stupid idea”… At the same time I’m thinking “This is a great
idea, if you continue writing and speaking there’s no limit to the amount of
people who’s lives you can positively impact, keep going, you’ll get better,
you can do it”…
It’s a battle similar to this that keeps most of us from
ever trying anything new – starting a business, relocating, writing a book,
whatever it is… it’s always easier to stick with where you’re at and what you
know than to make any changes or try something new. Change can be scary. Failure, even if it’s only “perceived”
failure, is very hard to overcome. The
path to self confidence runs through the road of failure, though. Only the things you are truly passionate
about will give you the drive to succeed.
Writing a book has been a goal of mine since I was a little
kid. I intend to succeed. In the process I hope that some of what I
write resonates with someone else in a positive way.
